U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
