I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
