Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
