matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
