he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The struggles of a small town man whore
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
