You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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