Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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