some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
