He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
