no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
