I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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