In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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