Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
