First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i drank out of a bidet.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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