Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
