yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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