What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
