Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
