Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
