shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just had sex on a roof
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
