not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
