Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
