dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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