I murdered the dance floor call the cops
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
