Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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