You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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