I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Your cock deserves a montage
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
