I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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