Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
