Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
