Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
