I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
