she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
