If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im holly from the hills drunk
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
