I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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