Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
