did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
