Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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