i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
