do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
