well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
