I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
