So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
