I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
