im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
