Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
