I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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