I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
