There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My life is pants optional.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
