I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
