Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
