Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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