some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
