I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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