so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
