im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
